Two Cows

Cows explain everything in society


There have been various versions of this bovine philosophy circulating since 1997.

Nobody knows who started it, so here is my full-fat enhanced version:

  • SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbour.
  • COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with free milk.
  • FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and sells you the milk.
  • DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government take them both and shoots you.
  • BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government buys them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk and pours it down the drain.
  • ENTREPRENEURSHIP You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
  • CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of two cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.
  • DIVORCE You and your wife work together for years to buy the best pair of cows you can afford. After you split, you give her both the cows, buy her a new cowshed to keep them in, and work two jobs to pay for their food and vet bills. She keeps all the milk. You buy an old goat, on finance, to replace your cows.
  • HEALTH AND SAFETY You have two cows, which have kept your family in dairy produce for years. One of them gets a bit poorly, so a government vet comes round and assassinates them both, charging you for the lethal injection and disposal of the carcasses. You are forced to encircle your home with disinfectant for six weeks, and you lose all your friends.
  • TECHNOLOGY You have two cows. Your neighbour has two thousand cows which he milks ferociously using the latest automated machines. You realise that spending four hours a day up to your knees in manure is completely unnecessary, so you sell your cows to your neighbour and buy your milk from Tesco like everyone else.
  • SURREALISM You have a giraffe and a tarantula. The government insists you learn the accordion.

Author: Jonny | Here’s something else that Mooooves!

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